Some Days

Some Days

Usually when I wake up my mind is still thinking about the last dream before waking. Other times my mind is ready to go over the schedule for the day or already remembering my first to do. Soon it hits me that my first pill of the day needs to be taken which is always my thyroid medication. One hour before breakfast is my routine so either I try to go back to sleep for that time or get out of bed to start my day. Yet on most days, once that hour is up, I make breakfast. There are other times my internal alarm wakes me up at five in the morning so breakfast waits until a reasonable hour. However, between the time that I wake and the time that breakfast is served, some days it’s as if I don’t have a mental illness.

The reminder comes after breakfast when that first pill to treat my schizophrenia has to be taken. I don’t stare at it or wonder about skipping it. My act is automatic. It sits in a divided pill box with my other medications. The lid is popped open then the first pill taken is the most important one – the one that helps control my schizophrenia. There’s no delay or second thought. With one quick move the pill goes in my mouth then is followed by water. At night, after dinner, comes the second pill of the day. The same thing happens. No stalling. It’s my priority. Staying well and having a clear mind is important to me. Without those pills I can’t function well, at least that’s what I’m told so I’m not willing to test out the validity.

My daily pills are called Ziprasidone. Cool name, I think. Makes me think it could be considered an alcoholic drink if it weren’t in pill form. Yet it’s two capsules a day that keep me from having hallucinations, delusions, stiff movements, or being in a catatonic state. The pills also help control odd behavior that can be misinterpreted like either being all too happy like I’m drugged up or looking so somber from depression. Other behaviors that can happen is losing my sense of direction while driving, not focusing on a task that needs to be done, or even forgetting to be clean such as in remembering to take a shower. These moments are the reason those pills aren’t forgotten.

Then there’s always some days when the moment my eyes open in the morning when I don’t feel right. I feel off, something missing, sick, or down. Those days it’s best to take my pills after breakfast and go back to bed. Going about my day as planned is usually not a good idea. My body is trying to tell me that it’s not going to respond in the best way. Forcing myself to do something without feeling well doesn’t always result in a positive way. If I can skip those days when my body reacts negatively in the morning, then it’s better for everyone.

Sometimes the next morning I’m back to being myself again. Other days my mind and body need to recuperate from all that it goes through. Being positive, doing errands, handling the household duties, and other tasks make a big dent in me sometimes. It has nothing to do with the pills that are being taken. I get bad days. So when those moments hit me it’s a big reminder to myself that I’m sick that I need to pay attention to my mind and body every day. Even if it means closing my eyes for fifteen minutes in the middle of the day to meditate, I do it because some days having an off day doesn’t fit into the schedule. Balancing my day becomes more important for my family and me.